I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
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[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]