I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
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Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I am HOWLING at this
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you