I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
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Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help