Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.