Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Always
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade