Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
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This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
I know this now 😂