When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
You Might Also Like
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
How I’d get arrested…
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool