Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
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But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Mouse
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is