COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
You Might Also Like
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Thinking about Jeff
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.