Best spot.. 😅
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something