[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)