[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.