[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.