Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
They got a point!
I wish I could veto my bills.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.