I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
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Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
🙂🙃🥹
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months