I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.