Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.