I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
.. do you even science?
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
We found love in a hopeless place.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?