Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
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[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Florida be like…
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone