Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.