Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
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Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
sugar glider wrangler
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
decorating my apartment
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them