[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.