*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.