Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
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Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I鈥檓 autoimmune
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Me: this meeting could鈥檝e been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMI脠RE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn鈥檛 sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Children of the corn 馃尳
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Friend: I鈥檓 visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I finally found my wife鈥檚 hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn鈥檛 tell them…馃ぃ
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
There鈥檚 a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he鈥檚 a dinosaur so he鈥檚 just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I鈥檓 only here to watch VelociRyan
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
me irl
friend: man, I honestly don鈥檛 believe she鈥檇 cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can鈥檛 keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I鈥檇 probably choose whiskey.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!