Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away