Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.