Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
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The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie