Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
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COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?