God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion