My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Skills
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I already tried new things thanks.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Roses are red
Violets are blue
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT