does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
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My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
how was your vacation
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Yup
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?