Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
me and my fake scenarios
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I love it all