Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not