Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Goodnight 🐶
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it