no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
nature’s most graceful animal
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.