Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.