“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
bad news gang
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?