People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
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“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
I mean…but I did
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be