I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
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Fries, not lies.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl