My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.