Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
What a year we’ve had this week.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
The little toadstool has spoken.
*mops up wine with cat*
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s