Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?