What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
You Might Also Like
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.