I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
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The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
socratic questions
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
How do horror writers compete with current events?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.