My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
You wish you had this many chins.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.