date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed