If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
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You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army