Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
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if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then