dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
You Might Also Like
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
yea so i messed up lol
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen