My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
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“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
CUTE CAT‼︎
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
crying
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.